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Delray Beach, FL, Westport, MA, United States
Undergraduate degree, Colby College; MA in teaching, Columbia Teacher's College; former high school English teacher in three states; former owner of interior design co. with advanced degree from R.I. School of Design. Published first book in 2009 titled, MINOR LEAGUE MOM: A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE RED SOX FARM TEAMS. Her humorous manuscript titled ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS was published in June, 2014. In 2015 A SURVIVAL GUIDE won a gold medal in the self-help category at the Florida Authors & Publishers Association conference. See website By CLICKING HERE.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Another Necessary Evil of Aging

Because of my husband's report from the doctor this week that his colonoscopy revealed a "pristine cylinder," I am reproducing this blog post from July, 2012.  Just honoring my vet on Veteran's Day.          
U.S. Air Force Lieutenant
1966


I was working on a machine at the fitness center when I overheard this conversation next to me.

John  (standing in a UMass teeshirt, dripping sweat that barely missed the gray-haired professor-type
          in white socks halfway up his shins, trying to do sit-ups on the bench under John):
         "You've never had a colonoscopy?  How old are you?"

Professor-type:  "I'm sixty-five."

John:  "Your doctor let you get away with that?"

Professor-type:  "I just didn't bother."

John:  "So this will be your first?"

Professor-type:  "That's right, and I'm not looking forward to it."

John:  "Well, the actual procedure isn't so bad, unless you've had a problem with anesthesia.
            You're sedated, you know."

Professor-type:  "I only had anesthesia once, and I was real groggy after."

John:  "Then you'd better be sure to bring someone to drive you home.  You won't know where
           you are, but you have to be there so early in the morning that by the time you're
           finished, it's only 10:30.  You can still go back to bed.  Anyway, it's the day before
           that's brutal."

Professor-type  (still in halfhearted sit-up routine):   "That's what I hear."

John:   "Well, the liquid you drink is a lot better than when I first started.  That stuff was like
            brake fluid.  Now you can get these little bottles of Citrate of Magnesium.  Unless
            you have a problem taking magnesium."

Professor-type:  "No."

John:  "That's lucky.  You have to make sure the Citrate of Magnesium is clear.  There's a
           lemon flavor.  Stay away from the cherry.  You have to finish the whole bottle around
           6 o'clock.  So you'd better plan to take off work the day before, because you have to
           take Ex-Lax pills in the afternoon. They react on some people fast."

Professor-type:  No response.  Still doing half-speed sit-ups.

John:  "And you have to drink 64 ounces of water.  That's the most
           important part.  The water flushes your kidneys.  So like I said, you could react fast or
          slow."

Professor-type:  "Got it."

John:  "For me, things started to get interesting around 7 o'clock. I'd suggest a portable t.v. in the bathroom,
          or a magazine."

Professor-type:  "Thanks for the tip."

John:  "Of course, you can't eat anything all day, so you begin to get hungry the more you sit on
           the can.  But you can't drink anything after midnight, either."

Professor-type:  "I'm sure I won't be thinking about eating."

John:  "Well, I had to run every half-hour all night.  You might be different.  When
            it got clear, that's when I knew I was about done."

Professor-type:  No longer doing sit-ups, putting a towel over his head.

Pam:  Stifling laughter, jumps off the machine and runs to the mats.  Stretches in hilarity.

P.S. - I've had two colonoscopies and wouldn't skip one for the life of me (and the two friends
          we lost to colon cancer).
     


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