A TENNIS PRIMER FOR WOMEN'S DOUBLES

             Borrowed from Karla Araujo's "Why You Should Never, Ever Tell the Truth 

                                                             in Tennis"

"Sorry about that! Are you OK?" I mutter to my partner, as she dusts the optic yellow fuzz and dusky green dirt from her skirt...My attempt at an offensive lob has fallen woefully short. Instead of rising to soaring heights over the net player, my shot peaked instead at the perfect height for the nearly six-foot-tall, Lululemon-garbed opponent to crush it at my partner's left thigh...What I'm really thinking is, "Why did you turn your back and run off the court like a chicken? If you had just held your ground, you could have reflexed that back over the net player!"

TennisSpeak...It's the unspoken language that lurks beneath the words we use on the court every day. The following is a glossary of TennisSpeak that every doubles player will recognize to keep the peace with both partners and opponents.

"Yours!"

Translation: I closed too tight to the net and if I tried to back up, the twenty extra pounds I'm carrying will make me tip over like Humpty-Dumpty.

"Mine!"

Translation: You missed the last four overheads, so I'll trample you if you don't get the hell out of my way!"

"Short!!" 

Translation: You're going to get creamed.

"Good idea!"

Translation: That was a really stupid shot you tried but I'm trying to stay positive because you're my partner.

"Bounce!"

Translation: Take that ball out of the air and I'll kill you because it's flying to the back fence.

"We'll do better next time, partner."

Translation: I'm dumping you for a taller partner who loves to poach. 

"Are you sure that was out?" (to opponent)

Translation: You lying broad! You know it caught the line.

"Have a nice match." (to opponents before play begins)

Translation: Were going to kill you b------.

"Nice match." (to opponents after you won)

Translation: We kicked your sorry asses.

"Nice match." (to opponents after we lost)

Translation: You guys didn't deserve to win. You hit all that soft, slicey-dicey crap and we're going to kill you the next time we see you.  I wish I hadn't had that second Cosmo last night and hadn't stayed up to watch the last six episodes of "The Gilded Age."