Last month five of my high school girlfriends visited me in Florida. Previously, we'd reunited in Massachusetts before the 50th class reunion. We'd also stayed at an inn in Greenwich, Conn., prior to the 55th.
Marilyn was my best friend from elementary through high school. Our mothers were Girl Scout leaders together; we rode bikes to Tod's Point Beach and had sleep-overs on weekends; at age sixteen we were camp counselors in Litchfield, Connecticut, together. After high school I headed to college in Maine and she to Ohio. Subsequently, we were in each other's weddings and got together sporadically when in the area. Charley and I visited her daughter and family in Italy and I attended her husband Wayne's memorial service in Ohio.
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| Pam and Marilyn, 2013 |
In 1995 Charley and I sat in the wooden stands at a "AA" Red Sox game in New Britain, Connecticut. Our son Todd was on the team. After several innings listening to the conversation between the husband and wife seated a few feet from me, I sheepishly asked, "Are you Cindi King?" It was a high school classmate, the captain of my cheer-leading squad, and her husband, the captain of the ice hockey team.
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| Greenwich (Ct.) High School Hockey Team, 1960 |
During that first girlfriend gathering in Massachusetts all of us were tentative with each other. We talked of parents and siblings we all knew. Over bottles of wine we broke out our high school yearbooks to reminisce about proms and boyfriends, our favorite teachers, college weekends our parents consented to, and cheer-leading uniforms we paraded in. We had shared the trivialities of the teen years through quasi-adulthood. During walks on the beach we felt each other out to reveal medical problems, failed marriages, and worries over kids.
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| Westport, Mass., 2011 |
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| 2011 |
Over time we've relaxed with each other. There are no longer any pretenses. We know each other's family secrets. At our latest gathering, we made no excuses if we needed to run to the bathroom at the last minute or keep our slacks on when headed to the pool. We knew the traumas each had suffered and we'd been there, physically or emotionally, despite great distances.
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| Delray Beach, Florida, 2019 |
Science has begun to show the value of close friendships on health. One study of over 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with ten or more friends. The study found that it wasn't the number of interactions or amount of contact that mattered. Simply having the friendships to protect from stress was enough. This may be one of the reasons women live longer than men. (Information from Tracey O'Shaughnessy's "Lifetime Friendships Are Something to Envy,"
The Sunday Republican, December 23, 2018, p. 1E).
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| Wakodahatchee Wetlands, Delray Beach, Fl., 2019 |
During our group's good humor and reliving of shared experiences, there was a nurturing element in familiarity. We basked in the glow of each other's caring but felt enriched by our own capacity to express that kindness. The Benedictine nun Joan Chittister wrote in
The Friendship of Women, "Friendship reminds us that we are irreplaceable, vital to a life beyond our own. Once we are loved, we have an obligation to live as best we can."
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| Pam with Pat, Mystic, Conn., 2017 |
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| Delray Beach, Fl., 2019 |
What of our grandchildren, who claim hundreds of "friends" on the internet and may spend up to nine hours a day online, including homework and playing games with a bot (artificial intelligence)? Thirty-two percent of tech professionals, according to Stephen Asma in "This Friendship Has Been Digitized" (
NY Times, March 24, 2019, Sunday Review, pg. 10), now believe digital life will harm our mental well-being over the next decade. Recent research suggests that isolation is increasing, as intimacy among teens is replaced by texting and other forms of digital communication.
Young people, however, don't seem to be concerned. They feel socially supported by large networks of "friends" they never see face-to-face. The kind of presence required for deep friendships does not seem cultivated in on-line relationships. There we cannot touch or smell each other, detect each other's facial expressions, or moods. We can easily replace on-line "friends" and often don't know where they live or if they're a he, she, or bot. For the disabled, however, that is an advantage.
Asma in his article proclaims the most defining feature of deep friendship is "doing for," as when a person is sick and needs soup or a ride for medicine or appointments. "The emotional entanglement of real friendship produces oxytocin and endorphins in the brains and bodies of friends - cementing them together in ways that are more profound than other relationships."
Kids still get a large amount of face-to-face time in school and after-school. However, when Professor Asma asked his college students if they had people in their lives who would bring them soup when they got sick, they laughed. They told him they'd order from UberEats!
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| The Breakers Hotel, Palm Beach, Fl., 2019 |
