About Me

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Delray Beach, FL, Westport, MA, United States
Undergraduate degree, Colby College; MA in English, Columbia Teacher's College; former high school English teacher in three states; former owner of interior design co. with MA from R.I. School of Design. Barking Cat Books published my first book in 2009 titled, MINOR LEAGUE MOM: A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE RED SOX FARM TEAMS. My humorous manuscript titled ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS was published in June, 2014. In 2015 A SURVIVAL GUIDE won a gold medal in the self-help category at the Florida Authors & Publishers Association conference. In 2018 Barking Cat Books published my SURVIVING YOUR DREAM VACATION: 75 RULES TO KEEP YOUR COMPANION TALKING TO YOU ON THE ROAD. See website By CLICKING HERE.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Grandma's Instructions

Several Christmases ago, I had to do some last-minute shopping in Florida with my daughter-in-law. Our son hadn't flown down yet, so we left the kids with Papa Charley. Here are the instructions I left.


 1.  Become a mannequin for "Beauty Parlor" game.
 2.  Check for BARRETTES in your hair
before leaving the house.
 3.  Lock the bathroom door, if you must use it.
 4.  Put the phone in Hannah's pocket so she can call
me if you fall asleep and begin to drool.
 5.  Put any colored pills on an unreachable shelf so
"the grands" won't mistake them for jelly beans.
 6. Sneeze only if absolutely necessary and into your
elbow or you will be told you are spreading germs
and a demonstration will follow of the appropriate method.
 7. Keep an extra pair of glasses in a locked drawer
and write down where the key is. Story-time follows
 8. Make time-outs a learning experience about
right and wrong, but place the child in a chair that isn't
near wallpaper they can peel.
 9. Use microwave only! No stove-top burners or ovens!


                                    DO NOT:

 1.  Take the children within 50 feet of the ocean.
 2.  Take the children within 20 feet of the pool.
 3.  Reheat pizza for lunch AND snack-time.
 4.  Tell them about starving children around the world to make them finish their meals.
 5.  When Olivia tells you she's allergic to peanut butter,
 6.  Let the children out of your sight for more than
one minute, tops. That includes toilet time, so pee
frequently and in small amounts.

 8. Assume any sporting event on t.v. will keep them
fascinated for three hours.
 9. Pretend you heard something they said when you didn't.
Your response will make no sense and they'll think
a nut case is in charge.
10. Allow more than 2 carousel rides or Olivia
will throw up.

11. Assume they can buckle their own seat belts, but follow their instructions if you can't figure out how to do it.
12. Frighten them by raising your voice for any reason. When
you think you're whispering, you're actually speaking loud
enough to be heard in a hurricane.
13. Believe them when they tell you they aren't tired
and can skip a nap.
14. Invite them to play chef and let them chop, dice, or slice anything.
15. Give them any sweet after 3:00 p.m.
16. Take them for haircuts without a parent's permission.

               GOOD LUCK! WE LOVE YOU!!