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Delray Beach, FL, Westport, MA, United States
Undergraduate degree, Colby College; MA in teaching, Columbia Teacher's College; former high school English teacher in three states; former owner of interior design co. with advanced degree from R.I. School of Design. Published first book in 2009 titled, MINOR LEAGUE MOM: A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE RED SOX FARM TEAMS. Her humorous manuscript titled ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS was published in June, 2014. In 2015 A SURVIVAL GUIDE won a gold medal in the self-help category at the Florida Authors & Publishers Association conference. See website By CLICKING HERE.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Grandma's Instructions

Grandma had to go out while the grandchildren were visiting in Florida.
Here are the instructions she left for Grandpa.

             DO:                                                             

 1. Become a mannequin for "Beauty Parlor"
     game      
 2. Check for BARRETTES in your hair before
     leaving the house
 3. Lock the bathroom door, if you must use it
 4. Put the phone in Hannah's pocket so she
     can call me if you fall asleep and begin to
     drool                                
 5. Put any colored pills on
    an unreachable shelf so they
     won't mistake them for jelly beans.
 6. Sneeze only if absolutely necessary
    and into your elbow or you will
    be told you are spreading germs
    and a demonstration will follow of the
    appropriate method
 7.  Keep an extra pair of glasses in
    a locked drawer and write down
    where the key is.  Story-time follows
    snack-time.
 8. Make time-outs a learning experience
    about right and wrong, but place them in
    a chair that isn't
    near wallpaper they can peel.  
 9. Use microwave only.  No
    ovens!                                            

            DO NOT:

 1. Take the children within 50 feet of the
    ocean
 2. Take the children within 20 feet of the pool
 3. Reheat pizza for lunch AND snack-time
 4. Tell them about starving children
    around the world to make them finish their
    meals.        
    When Olivia tells you she's
    allergic to fish and peanut butter,
    BELIEVE HER!
 5. Let the children out of your sight for more
     than one minute, tops.
     That includes toilet time, so pee
     frequently and in small amounts.
 6. Try to shower
 7. Assume any sporting event on t.v.
    will keep them fascinated for three hours
 8. Pretend you heard something they
    said when you didn't.  Your response will
    make no sense and they'll think
    a nut case is in charge.
 9. Allow more than 2 carousel rides or Olivia
     will throw up
10. Assume they can buckle their own
      seat belts, but follow their instructions if
      you can't figure out how to do it
11. Frighten them by raising your voice for
      any reason. When you think you're
      whispering, you're actually speaking
      loud enough to be heard in a hurricane.
12. Believe them when they tell you they
      aren't tired and can skip a nap
13. Wear your "comfort outfit" or your fanny pack out of the house
14. Attempt to explain where babies come from or whether there's
      a Santa Claus.
 
                                                               

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