Grandma had to go out while the grandchildren were visiting in Florida.
Here are the instructions she left for Grandpa.
1. Become a mannequin for "Beauty Parlor"
2. Check for BARRETTES in your hair before
leaving the house
3. Lock the bathroom door, if you must use it
4. Put the phone in Hannah's pocket so she
can call me if you fall asleep and begin to
5. Put any colored pills on
an unreachable shelf so they
won't mistake them for jelly beans.
6. Sneeze only if absolutely necessary
and into your elbow or you will
be told you are spreading germs
and a demonstration will follow of the
7. Keep an extra pair of glasses in
a locked drawer and write down
where the key is. Story-time follows
8. Make time-outs a learning experience
about right and wrong, but place them in
a chair that isn't
near wallpaper they can peel.
9. Use microwave only. No
1. Take the children within 50 feet of the
2. Take the children within 20 feet of the pool
3. Reheat pizza for lunch AND snack-time
4. Tell them about starving children
around the world to make them finish their
When Olivia tells you she's
allergic to fish and peanut butter,
5. Let the children out of your sight for more
than one minute, tops.
That includes toilet time, so pee
frequently and in small amounts.
6. Try to shower
7. Assume any sporting event on t.v.
will keep them fascinated for three hours
8. Pretend you heard something they
said when you didn't. Your response will
make no sense and they'll think
a nut case is in charge.
9. Allow more than 2 carousel rides or Olivia
will throw up
10. Assume they can buckle their own
seat belts, but follow their instructions if
you can't figure out how to do it
11. Frighten them by raising your voice for
any reason. When you think you're
whispering, you're actually speaking
loud enough to be heard in a hurricane.
12. Believe them when they tell you they
aren't tired and can skip a nap
13. Wear your "comfort outfit" or your fanny pack out of the house
14. Attempt to explain where babies come from or whether there's
a Santa Claus.
- Delray Beach, FL, Westport, MA, United States
- Undergraduate degree, Colby College; MA in teaching, Columbia Teacher's College; former high school English teacher in three states; former owner of interior design co. with advanced degree from R.I. School of Design. Published first book in 2009 titled, MINOR LEAGUE MOM: A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE RED SOX FARM TEAMS. Her humorous manuscript titled ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS was published in June, 2014. In 2015 A SURVIVAL GUIDE won a gold medal in the self-help category at the Florida Authors & Publishers Association conference. See website By CLICKING HERE.