Grandma's Instructions

Several Christmases ago, I had to do some last-minute shopping in Florida with my daughter-in-law. Our son hadn't flown down yet, so we left the kids with Papa Charley. Here are the instructions I left.




                                  DO:

 1.  Become a mannequin for "Beauty Parlor" game.
 2.  Check for BARRETTES in your hair
before leaving the house.
 3.  Lock the bathroom door, if you must use it.
 4.  Put the phone in Hannah's pocket so she can call
me if you fall asleep and begin to drool.
 5.  Put any colored pills on an unreachable shelf so
"the grands" won't mistake them for jelly beans.
 6. Sneeze only if absolutely necessary and into your
elbow or you will be told you are spreading germs
and a demonstration will follow of the appropriate method.
 7. Keep an extra pair of glasses in a locked drawer
and write down where the key is. Story-time follows
snack-time.
 8. Make time-outs a learning experience about
right and wrong, but place the child in a chair that isn't
near wallpaper they can peel.
 9. Use microwave only! No stove-top burners or ovens!

                             

                                    DO NOT:

 1.  Take the children within 50 feet of the ocean.
 2.  Take the children within 20 feet of the pool.
 3.  Reheat pizza for lunch AND snack-time.
 4.  Tell them about starving children around the world to make them finish their meals.
 5.  When Olivia tells you she's allergic to peanut butter,
BELIEVE HER!
 6.  Let the children out of your sight for more than
one minute, tops. That includes toilet time, so pee
frequently and in small amounts.

 8. Assume any sporting event on t.v. will keep them
fascinated for three hours.
 9. Pretend you heard something they said when you didn't.
Your response will make no sense and they'll think
a nut case is in charge.
10. Allow more than 2 carousel rides or Olivia
will throw up.

11. Assume they can buckle their own seat belts, but follow their instructions if you can't figure out how to do it.
12. Frighten them by raising your voice for any reason. When
you think you're whispering, you're actually speaking loud
enough to be heard in a hurricane.
13. Believe them when they tell you they aren't tired
and can skip a nap.
14. Invite them to play chef and let them chop, dice, or slice anything.
15. Give them any sweet after 3:00 p.m.
16. Take them for haircuts without a parent's permission.

               GOOD LUCK! WE LOVE YOU!!

 

Camilla and Charles Babysit While the Royals Visit the Colonies

Charles:   For the love of heaven, what is that beastly smell?

Camilla:    It's Prince George's biggie.  He just finished his lunch.

Charles:   Can't you do something?                                                                  

Camilla:   Sedrick (butler) is bringing rubber gloves and an apron.  Should I order you
               a mask?

Charles:   No, just get it done.  Oh no, oh no!  He just vomited over my velvet
               slippers.  It's vile - it's green.

Camilla:   It's just peas, Charles.  Kate said to give them a try.  Here's Sedrick now.
               Help me get the Prince out of the highchair, would you, Charles?

Charles:  Sedrick, I need a wet towel right away.
               You know I have a bad back, Camilla.  I can't lift him - he's a load.

Camilla:   And I just had my nails done.  Come on, give me a hand.
               (they both lift Prince George)

Charles:   Stop squirming, son!  My god, he's heavy.  I can't hold him.
               (Prince George and Camilla fall sideways onto carpet)
               Holy Queen Mother!  Are you hurt, Camilla?

Camilla:   (slightly winded)  George fell on top of me.  Get his doctor!
               (Prince screaming on top of Camilla)

Charles:   Where is that nanny when we need her?  Where's Sedrick?
                Oh, there you are, Sedrick..  There's been a fall.  Summon the Prince's
               doctor immediately.
                Not a word of this, mind you!
                (takes wet towel as Sedrick retreats again for doctor)
                Take deep breaths, darling.  The Prince will be fine.  He had a soft landing
                on that lovely bosom.  (Prince George's cries turn to whimpers)
                Up-a-daisy, now.

Camilla:    (on her knees, handing Prince George to Charles)
               Oh, my nails are ruined!  Where is that nanny?

Sedrick:   (reappearing)  The doctor's on his way.  I'll take the Prince to his nanny.

Charles:    And do something about that odor, will you, Sedrick?
                Some spray, perhaps?
                I need to calm down.  Where's the paper, Camilla?

Camilla:     I need to get an appointment with my manicurist.

Charles:    (scanning paper)
                Look at this, Camilla!  They're in Brooklyn, of all places, for some brutish,
                smelly game. There's a monster with his arm around Kate.
                Didn't he get the protocol sheet?
             
Camilla:    (looking at news photo)
                She's making the best of it with that smile.  Always a good girl.
                William doesn't notice - his eyes are on Beyonce.

Charles:    Leave it to the Yanks to create a tempest.

Camilla:    We didn't need a Yank to create a tempest, did we now, Charles?

Charles:    Don't go there, Camilla.  Here they are at a gala.  I wonder what that
                 frock cost the Treasury?

Camilla:    It's elegant and covers her baby bump. Frumpy's all you get in
               The Pretty Pregnant Boutique here.

Charles:    Maybe the next one won't eat like a gargantuan or poo like a horse.

Camilla:    Her stylist outdid herself with those five 'do's.  Are they going away again
                soon?

Charles:   If they must, we'll be heading off in the opposite direction!




             


           
           
           

Grandma's Instructions

Grandma had to go out while the grandchildren were visiting in Florida.
Here are the instructions she left for Grandpa.

             DO:                                                             

 1. Become a mannequin for "Beauty Parlor"
     game      
 2. Check for BARRETTES in your hair before
     leaving the house
 3. Lock the bathroom door, if you must use it
 4. Put the phone in Hannah's pocket so she
     can call me if you fall asleep and begin to
     drool                                
 5. Put any colored pills on
    an unreachable shelf so they
     won't mistake them for jelly beans.
 6. Sneeze only if absolutely necessary
    and into your elbow or you will
    be told you are spreading germs
    and a demonstration will follow of the
    appropriate method
 7.  Keep an extra pair of glasses in
    a locked drawer and write down
    where the key is.  Story-time follows
    snack-time.
 8. Make time-outs a learning experience
    about right and wrong, but place them in
    a chair that isn't
    near wallpaper they can peel.  
 9. Use microwave only.  No
    ovens!                                            

            DO NOT:

 1. Take the children within 50 feet of the
    ocean
 2. Take the children within 20 feet of the pool
 3. Reheat pizza for lunch AND snack-time
 4. Tell them about starving children
    around the world to make them finish their
    meals.        
    When Olivia tells you she's
    allergic to fish and peanut butter,
    BELIEVE HER!
 5. Let the children out of your sight for more
     than one minute, tops.
     That includes toilet time, so pee
     frequently and in small amounts.
 6. Try to shower
 7. Assume any sporting event on t.v.
    will keep them fascinated for three hours
 8. Pretend you heard something they
    said when you didn't.  Your response will
    make no sense and they'll think
    a nut case is in charge.
 9. Allow more than 2 carousel rides or Olivia
     will throw up
10. Assume they can buckle their own
      seat belts, but follow their instructions if
      you can't figure out how to do it
11. Frighten them by raising your voice for
      any reason. When you think you're
      whispering, you're actually speaking
      loud enough to be heard in a hurricane.
12. Believe them when they tell you they
      aren't tired and can skip a nap
13. Wear your "comfort outfit" or your fanny pack out of the house
14. Attempt to explain where babies come from or whether there's
      a Santa Claus.