Writing Dilemma

The manuscript I have been working on is approximately two-thirds complete. It is a memoir describing a daughter's caregiving during the final three months of each of my parents' previously healthy, independent lives in Florida. It is also a chronicle of the hilarious eccentricities of the elderly. By interspersing my memory bank of laughable moments with scenes from the hospital, rehab unit, and nursing homes, I am trying to recreate a scene that is too familiar to many.

My parents were in no way extraordinary. They did not abuse; they were not alcoholics or schizophrenics; they did not suffer from bi-polar disease or obesssive compulsion. They were loving, involved parents and devoted partners. However, my relationship with them shifted when they became dependent on me as their caregiver. Mine is the story of millions of sons and daughters who must balance their own very full lives with the daily concerns for their parents' survival and their own self-preservation. By creating a memory bank, I was able to deal with my parents' struggles and my own.

Here's the problem: this manuscript is not marketable. There are thousands of published works out there about caregiving of the elderly, as well as Alzheimer's Disease. A memoir, if it is to attract a publisher, must tell a very unique story. Should I go in another direction with this, or continue as planned?

If I decided to write this purely as a family history, I would finish the manuscript as originally planned and let the kids and grandkidc have a copy someday. But I am constantly asked for advice from friends who are undergoing the same stresses and concerns with their parents. I have concluded that balancing elderly care and a life of one's own is truly a common experience among the 50-and-60generation, simply because our parents are living longer.

So here's what I have decided to do. I am going to finish the original manuscript, although it is slow going, and then redirect it. The new working title will be something like, A HANDBOOK TO OUTLAST YOUR ELDERLY PARENTS. The HANDBOOK will provide tongue-in-cheek lessons based on the bizarre, laughable, memorable antics of my ninety-year-old parents. It will also provide tongue-in-cheek lessons based on my navigation through hospital surgeries, rehab facilities, nursing homes, health care agencies, parental alienation, and family rivalries. A HANDBOOK will provide levity while dealing with a demanding, stressful world that is neither black nor white, a world of laughter and tears. Suggestions???

My "Bucket List"

I enjoyed the movie, "The Bucket List." It is a little far-fetched to think most of us could create a "carte-blanche" list of wishes and then proceed to check them off. But the premise seems good, especially the older I get (!).

Time is flying. Each day seems to get shorter and shorter. Although I accomplish numerous things and am lucky if I get eight hours sleep each day, I haven't spent time writing as often as I'd like lately. I have put people at the top of my "bucket list." Too many friends are sick or have left us. I'd rather spend my time with old friends and new, as well as relatives. I still work on my manuscript each day, just not to the extent I'd like. Nevertheless, I plan to finish.

Since we are retired, my husband enjoys his own activities. We still laugh a lot and enjoy each other's company, after forty-five years. We love movies, restaurants, books, tennis, some golf, and travel (though we no longer play tennis together - we're each too competitive!). We are fortunate to spend every anniversary at a favorite hotel on the Italian island of Ischia. My "bucket list" includes more time with Charley.

High on my "bucket list" are things to do with our five grandchildren. Although the twins are only six months, I hope to develop a memory bank with them at our Massachusetts beach, as we have with our three granddaughters. There is so much to tell them and show them and explore with all five of them! I learn from every encounter, whether it's a dance recital or collecting periwinkles or feeding baby cereal. I'd like for all of us to take a trip together or rent a place together. If that isn't feasible, maybe I could travel with one or two at a time?

Which brings me to the places around the world I'd like to visit. Charley and I have pretty much decided which areas don't interest either of us, but there are still so many to explore: Vancouver and British Columbia, Turkey, islands of Greece, Basque region of Spain, Australia and New Zealand, Fiji, Africa on safari. Some of these don't interest Charley, but that's ok. It's my "bucket list!"

Favorite Christmas Memories

We all have some favorite memories of Christmas. Each year seems to add a unique perspective or a new family member. What are yours?

Here are a few memorable ones of mine.

Age 12

As much as I'd like to say that my favorite Christmas growing up revolved around a family gathering, trip, or even a funny mishap, it's not so. It was the Christmas I was twelve and received my first set of 78 LP's! A whole new world opened up - a world in which I could practice dance moves for the Friday night mixers. There was the Platters' "Earth Angel," Fats Domino's "My Blue Heaven," Al Hibbler's "Unchained Melody," Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti," as well as "See You Later Alligator," "Mr. Sandman," and Elvis, of course. Over and over I played each record, never budging from the spot in the living room where I practiced the jitterbug. I had struck gold! I gave up on the singing, though.

A Christmas Eve with Young Sons

While our two sons were growing up, we had a Christmas Eve routine. We would spend time at the home of one of our boys' best friends, Derek Laffey, in Cumberland, R.I. Stepping into the Laffey's home was like stepping into the pages of Architectural Digest. Kiva and Ed welcomed all of our family, including my parents, as part of their own. After that visit we travelled to the coast of Massachusetts to spend the rest of the evening with my husband's family. Since Charley was the oldest of seven children, there were six siblings' families (with ten grandchildren) all opening gifts. It was chaos. Papers flew everywhere and kids grabbed and rode everything, especially if the toy belonged to a cousin! Each family put its gifts in trash bags and kept them separated. On the Christmas I most remember, we arrived home at 1 a.m. with a bag of trash instead of gifts!

My Parents' Visits

After my parents moved to Florida, they would fly up to join Charley, Tim, Todd, and me at our home in Massachusestts for the holiday. Eventually the walls of our house bulged with fiancees, wives, and in-laws. Now we have added the grandchildren.

My parents were troopers, following us on our Christmas Eve trek, as well as to local parties. As they entered their eighties, we hosted the parties at our home so they wouldn't have to leave the house or stay up too late.

However, in 1996, a blizzard wound its way up the coast. It hit Philadelphia first, where my parents were catching their second flight for Providence. They sat aboard their plane on the tarmac while U.S. Air decided whether to proceed. Meanwhile, Charley and I waited in Providence, until the airport closed. U.S. Air officials there claimed my parents' flight might still be coming. All one had to do was look outside to see a complete whiteout! We headed home after midnight in six inches of snow.

Around that time, my parents finally deplaned in Philadelphia. They slept on benches in the airport. The food court had closed, so they had nothing to eat.

The next day, they arrived in Providence bleary-eyed and shaken. "Never again!" they told us. "Please don't ask us to fly up here again, especially in the winter!" They went right to bed at our house, missed Christmas Eve, and after Mom opened her new fur jacket on Christmas morning and posed for a photo in the snow, they went back to bed. They slept a total of seventeen hours.

2010

Charley and I reside in Florida, and it has been several years since we have hosted the family for Christmas in Massachusetts. We have, however, travelled to our sons' homes. And we have slept on airport benches - only it was in Atlanta.

This year, we arrived safely in New Jersey and were able to enjoy not only our twin grandsons born in July, but also their almost-three-year-old sister, and our other two granddaughters visiting from Massachusetts. It was a memorable Christmas, with everyone together. To top it off, we got snowed in with a blizzard for two days! Two more wonderful days sitting by the fire, feeding the twins, playing dress-up, eating pretend concoctions from the pretend kitchen Santa brought. After seven days together, it was time to rebook a flight home and grab some ZZZ's!

A Wish List for My Grandchildren at Christmas

May you never underestimate yourselves but always overestimate the effort
it takes to fulfill your own expectations;

May you search deep inside to find out what is important and then
let go of things that are not;

May you have enough self-esteem to recognize your mistakes
and correct them;

May you share good times and bad with loved ones and continually
reach out to show how important they are to you;

May you find one good friend who will last a lifetime;

May you speak your mind with respect and listen with equal respect;

May you never be exclusionary and always complimentary;

May you judge others not by superficial things,
like the color of their skin or their clothes or dwellings,
but by their actions;

May you forgive easily;

May you marvel at the world that surrounds you and
actively protect it;

May you one day walk in the shoes of someone less fortunate;

May you spend time with an elderly person to learn wisdom,
patience, and companionship;

May you learn early that life is not fair, but that you can
deal with what comes;

May you never feel entitled to material things,
just because you are lucky enough to have
generous parents (and grandparents) who would happily grant
your every wish;

May you never feel entitled to arrogance,
just because you have achieved successes;

May you discover your unique talents and follow them
to the end of a dream;

May you develop a love of books and learning for its own sake;

May you find someone who will love you and make you feel
safe forever, as I did;

And may that person kiss and hug you in front of people
and always hold your hand!

REMEMBER, YOU HAVE MAGIC INSIDE EACH OF YOU!
With lots of love this Christmas, Granny Pam 2010

Keeping Up

I know a writer should write every day. I can confirm the benefits. My Palm Beach Writers Group can confirm the benefits. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, you must sit down every day at the same time, with no distractions. Your manuscript will begin to flow if you block off several hours. By returning to the work the next day at the same time, simple grammatical errors, timewarps, or contradictions in plot and character will appear glaring. Similarly, the storyline will flow more easily. It is a job to be taken seriously.

I have not been able to do this lately. First of all, we were flying to join our family in New Jersey for Thanksgiving. I took up some Christmas gifts, all wrapped, since we will be returning for Christmas. Nothing was more important than our visit or the preparation.

Now, with Christmas upon us, I am almost ready. We will again be leaving Florida and the gifts are done. Although we are not putting up a tree this year, there are Christmas decorations all around our apartment. I have begun working on Christmas cards. In addition, we are seeing visitors who come down from up north and local friends for dinner. We will have a cocktail party.

I know that neither the holidays nor regularly scheduled activities nor exercise routines are excuses not to write. The final straw to keep me from writing is the extraneous stuff necessary each day to be a writer - the blogs, the emails, the websites, the newsletters, etc.

The blogs are necessary and informative that appear in my "Inbox" every day. They are from publishing groups, agents, and marketing specialists and I have subscribed to them all. I need them for specific agent listings and insights into the writing/publishing process. But do I need them to appear EVERY SINGLE DAY?? Some of them are so repetitive that it's just too much.

In addition, there are the two local writers' groups I belong to. One is informational and a terrific support group. That group validates me as a published author. The other is a critique group. The writers in the critique group are honest, positive, and insightful. Both groups meet once a month, and I really enjoy them. Right now, though, there is no downtime to even READ a book.

I'm not complaining. I'll prioritize. It's just that there's so much more to writing than just writing.

Am I Too Old for This?

I just attended the Fla. Writer's Conference near Orlando. Like any conference, the three days were packed with double-session seminars, speeches, and meetings with agents/publishers. It was very well-organized and illuminating, but discouraging.

Prior to attending, I had submitted my memoir, MINOR LEAGUE MOM: A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE RED SOX FARM TEAMS (published in 2009), to the state-wide contest for that genre. In July I was notified that I was a finalist!

I didn't get my hopes up, but was pretty excited. The Writer's Association told us it would announce the winners at the banquet during the conference. Which they did. It seemed everyone in attendance was a finalist in one of the categories - 300 people! The winner in my category, including biography and autobiography, told the tale of a child kidnapped in 1939 from her aristocratic, Catholic family by the Nazis. No competing with that!! I moved on!

We listened to speakers describe the wreck of an industry - publishing - and the growth of ebook sales. I knew all this firsthand, since New River Press, a division of which published MOM, is no longer in business. My ebook sales weren't even worth mentioning, though paperback versions have sold 70% of the first printing (1500). We listened to marketing experts describe the necessity for authors to have blogs, websites, Twitter, Facebook, and "Fans of ---." I already had that. I moved on!

We listened to flip agents from California use buzz-words (nonfiction must have a "platform" and every first page must have a "hook") and tell first-time writers that their expectations were entirely personal - i.e., if they succeeded in creating a manuscript that didn't sell, they should feel satisfied! None of us were there to hear that. Move on!

I met three other women writers my age and together we rocked! We laughed at the repetitious "we love ya'll's" of the FWA President on the microphone and made snide comments about the numerous awards in Young Adult Fiction (that's what's selling!) and Horror Fiction (that's what's selling!). We moved on!

None of my three buddies have been published. However, the former newspaper reporter had previously won a $1000 writing prize. Two of the others had submitted their short stories to the Writer's Association annual anthology and gotten accepted. My submission had not. I moved on!

Among the four of us, three had elderly parents they were either caring for or had cared for. We all anticipated that would be the subject matter of our next manuscript. Two of my buddies met with agents. Verdict: as a subject, the elderly is flooded, aka LOSING MUM AND PUP and STILL ALICE. Move on!

I have conscientiously read Nathan Bransford's blog for several years to learn the most concise, accurate info on how to get published. Nathan is a literary agent for Curtis Brown and his young-adult novel, JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW, will soon be published. That should have told me something! Nathan held a contest for five guest bloggers to take his spot while he was on vacation. I submitted an entry. I know I'm way, way over the hill, but I still write English, don't I? The winning entries were HIP!! A guest blogger sat in Starbucks and talked about the new genre she was writing in - a "cozy." Another answered the question, "Who would be your literary BBF?" with the following: Alice Cullen from TWILIGHT and Harriet the Spy from NANCY DREW MYSTERIES.

At least I got something out of the conference. On the solitary ride home for three-plus hours, I decided to finish the manuscript I'm working on, then take it in a whole different direction! Or should I move on to bridge??

The Hard Work of Creativity

Writers understand the joy that comes from investing onesself in the creative process. In fact, that could be said of anyone who totally immerses himself in his work. Artists, inventors, performers, architects, teachers - the list is endless - know that hard work becomes FUN when they completely lose themselves in the process. These creative moments lift us out of the everyday into a zone where focus is fixed on a particular spot - a sentence on the computer screen or a ridge on a sculpture or a brushstroke on a canvas or a pencil line on a paper or the faces in a classroom. It is something we are driven to do.

But the work doesn't come without effort, discomfort, and sometimes pain (physical cramping, carpal tunnel, etc). Technically perfect work may not display greatness. The discomfort of doing and redoing, working and reworking, is what distinguishes quality from mediocrity. It is the fourth draft of a written work that is again revised into the fifth draft that may give the effort its finishing touches.

Dedication is not an easy thing to describe. It demands discipline and mental toughness. Sacrifices must be made to see a project through those finishing touches. I write because I love to express myself, and I think I have something worthwhile to pass on. It is a slow process, and must not be rushed.

I am not competing with a clock or with any other writers. I have plenty of time in my retirement years. Fortunately, I do not have to rely on the income (thank goodness!) to write. I am merely competing with myself. I want to leave something lasting during my lifetime.

I have no doubt I can go the extra mile and maintain a positive attitude while I produce better and better writing in my second book. The work is only one-third done and is far from perfect. Yet I know when the manuscript is finished, it is not finished. I will make extra, uncomfortable efforts at revision. It may mean the difference between being published again or remaining unpublished.