The Holiday Dinner

This spoof posted on UTube has Sandy and Richard Riccardi performing in California.
Lyrics are by Sandy.  Parody is USCOPYRIGHT:FAIRUSE.
Click on this link to view Sandy singing and Richard on the piano:  http://www.youtube.com/embed/TX9EAavxrus

(To the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")                            
I made turkey and stuffing
And hot mashed potatoes,
Yams and ham
And fried green tomatoes.                                                                  
But I had forgot...
What family could have and have not!

Stanley could not have cheddar
'Cuz it clashes with his meds.
Lee's on a low-carb diet,
Couldn't sample any breads.
Anya could not have onions
'Cuz they fill her up with gas.
Elsie could not have eggnog
'Cuz it knocks her on her ass!

I made Martha Stewart's tart,
Sweet and high-falutin'
That six people couldn't eat
Because it con-tained gluten.

Sherman could not have shellfish,
Or he would asphyxiate.
There wasn't one damn item
That could stay on Linda's plate!

My souffle was a masterpiece,
So light and airy!
But my guests couldn't eat it
'Cuz no-one ate dairy.

I broke down and wept.
If you're vegan, then why'd you accept?

Penny got on her podium.  On
And on and on she went...
About the evils of sodium (plus
How she's lactose-intolerant).

Peter was prone to bloating,
Couldn't eat the broccoli.
Annie gets acid reflux,
Every time she looks at me!

When I put the turkey down,
Sarah had to say,
"Ever since the world began,
I can't eat no tryptophan."

Everyone at the table, getting
Up in years, you see,
Skipped the meal all together,
Talked about their surgeries!

So I said, "Pass the Beano
And pour me some vino
And screw it, next year,
YOUR house, please!"

Another Necessary Evil of Aging

Because of my husband's report from the doctor this week that his colonoscopy revealed a "pristine cylinder," I am reproducing this blog post from July, 2012.  Just honoring my vet on Veteran's Day.          

U.S. Air Force Lieutenant
1966

I was working on a machine at the fitness center when I overheard this conversation next to me.

John  (standing in a UMass teeshirt, dripping sweat that barely missed the gray-haired professor-type
          in white socks halfway up his shins, trying to do sit-ups on the bench under John):
         "You've never had a colonoscopy?  How old are you?"

Professor-type:  "I'm sixty-five."

John:  "Your doctor let you get away with that?"

Professor-type:  "I just didn't bother."

John:  "So this will be your first?"

Professor-type:  "That's right, and I'm not looking forward to it."

John:  "Well, the actual procedure isn't so bad, unless you've had a problem with anesthesia.
            You're sedated, you know."

Professor-type:  "I only had anesthesia once, and I was real groggy after."

John:  "Then you'd better be sure to bring someone to drive you home.  You won't know where
           you are, but you have to be there so early in the morning that by the time you're
           finished, it's only 10:30.  You can still go back to bed.  Anyway, it's the day before
           that's brutal."

Professor-type  (still in halfhearted sit-up routine):   "That's what I hear."

John:   "Well, the liquid you drink is a lot better than when I first started.  That stuff was like
            brake fluid.  Now you can get these little bottles of Citrate of Magnesium.  Unless
            you have a problem taking magnesium."

Professor-type:  "No."

John:  "That's lucky.  You have to make sure the Citrate of Magnesium is clear.  There's a
           lemon flavor.  Stay away from the cherry.  You have to finish the whole bottle around
           6 o'clock.  So you'd better plan to take off work the day before, because you have to
           take Ex-Lax pills in the afternoon. They react on some people fast."

Professor-type:  No response.  Still doing half-speed sit-ups.

John:  "And you have to drink 64 ounces of water.  That's the most
           important part.  The water flushes your kidneys.  So like I said, you could react fast or
          slow."

Professor-type:  "Got it."

John:  "For me, things started to get interesting around 7 o'clock. I'd suggest a portable t.v. in the bathroom,
          or a magazine."

Professor-type:  "Thanks for the tip."

John:  "Of course, you can't eat anything all day, so you begin to get hungry the more you sit on
           the can.  But you can't drink anything after midnight, either."

Professor-type:  "I'm sure I won't be thinking about eating."

John:  "Well, I had to run every half-hour all night.  You might be different.  When
            it got clear, that's when I knew I was about done."

Professor-type:  No longer doing sit-ups, putting a towel over his head.

Pam:  Stifling laughter, jumps off the machine and runs to the mats.  Stretches in hilarity.

P.S. - I've had two colonoscopies and wouldn't skip one for the life of me (and the two friends
          we lost to colon cancer).
     

The Value of Laughter

.

I've been interviewed a lot lately about my book, ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS.  One of the frequent questions I'm asked is, "How does a caregiver de-stress, since caregiving is a 24/7 job that is often frustrating, thankless, and tiresome physically as well as emotionally?"

I respond that it's imperative a caregiver attend to his/her own well-being, in order to continue to provide for the loved one.  That is often easier said than done in a crisis or long-term care situation.

One of the first suggestions I have is to find and use humor wherever possible. Laughter forms a great bond between people and is also a stress reliever.

In Sunday's Palm Beach Post, November 2, 2014, Dr. Michael Roizen and Dr. Mehmet Oz reported that from 1995-2014, comedies at the box office brought in $38.6 billion -  more than action, adventure, and horror movies.  There's a scientific reason for this.

A University of Maryland study found that laughter helps your blood vessels relax, promoting healthy blood flow and good blood pressure.

Other studies indicate that laughter boosts levels of antibodies that help the body fight off upper-respiratory infections.

When you laugh, you lower cortisol and epinephrine levels that are "implicated" in weight gain, blood vessel damage, and depression.  Certainly caregivers, as well as the elderly, must deal with depression on a regular basis.

Laughter also keeps glucose levels stable.  Post-meal blood sugar spikes will be slower and lower.  In other words, laugh while you're eating, if possible.

For those of you who appreciate "senior" humor, I urge you to watch stand-up comedian Fritz Coleman in a 15-minute YouTube routine at the Conference on Aging, Pasadena, California. I guarantee you'll feel relaxed afterward!

http://youtu.be/LR2qZ0A8vic

Other suggestions I have for maintaining health and sanity while caregiving are:

- Do something therapeutic for yourself as often as possible (walk, work out, read,
   paint, write, play music, knit, garden, cook, or immerse yourself in a project at
   work -
   whatever interests you to relieve stress)
- Ask for help!!! And don't be afraid to delegate.  Support systems to tap into might
   include friends, family members, church members.  Of course, there are also
   professional services available, such as pastors, counselors, and healthcare
   managers.
  The website www.aarp.org has lots of specific advice for caregivers.
- Make great memories with a loved one.  Offer your hand, your heart, your time,
  even if it's just to talk. The time spent together, even if brief, will remind you later
  why that person was important to you.
- Eat at least one balanced meal every day and keep a supply of healthy snacks
  with you
  (such as nuts, granola bars, yogurt, fruit).  Poor nutrition will wear you down.
- Get enough sleep.  If you are unable to sleep, ask your physician for a mild
   sedative
  or become a fan of Sleepytime or chamomile teas and yoga.
- Keep your social life alive and try not to take your "significant other" for granted.
  Interact with friends as often as possible.  It's restorative and you'll need support.
  Tell your
  "significant other" how much you appreciate his/her involvement and ask for
   patience.

Conference Detox

I've just returned from three days at the annual Florida Writer's Conference in Lake Mary, Florida. There were over four hundred of us, each hoping to unlock the secrets for publishing a best-seller.  I have an entire journal of notes.

There were three sessions each morning, starting at 8 a.m.  For each session we had a choice of several presentations by writers, marketing experts, financial experts, lawyers, publishers, agents, or screen writers. Fortunately there was a mid-morning break for some liquid and a cookie, granola bar, or yogurt.  I chose the cookie.

There were three sessions each afternoon, again with a choice of several presentations or panel discussions. During my mid-afternoon break I chose an ice cream on a stick.

There was a dinner each of the two evenings I attended, with a keynote speaker or awards.  Having walked for thirty minutes before each dinner, I felt righteous and ate a dessert at each - the carrot cake and chocolate mousse.  I managed to waddle into my book signing for ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS.

However, extra poundage wasn't the only thing I gained from this Conference.  The amount of information we gained was dizzying. Here are some of the presentations I attended:

"Sell Truckloads on Amazon"
"Change Your Characterizations through Syntax, Grammar, and Diction"
"What to Do and Not to Do in a Book Signing"
""Financials of Book Selling"
"Contracts and the Creative Process"
"How to Use Social Media to Sell Your Book"
"Using Writing Competitions to Advance Your Career"
"Book Trailers"
"Satisfying Endings."

With Margie Miklas
FWA Conference  Lake Mary, Fla.

In addition to seeing old friends from my critique group, I also made new friends - one in particular.  Her name is Margie Miklas, a recently-retired open-heart surgical nurse.  She won an award at the Conference for her memoir of travels through Italy (my favorite place in the world).  It's called MEMOIRS OF A SOLO TRAVELER: MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH ITALY, so check it out at www.margieinitaly.wordpress.com.

Now I've got to digest and absorb all the information. That goes for the food, too.

Sixty Is the New Sixty

This post is by friend, pharmacist, and mystery writer Don Weiss.

So fellow sexagenarians, here is something that unfortunately is not new to men and women of our vintage: too young to retire, too young for Medicare, too young for social security, and out of work.

I’ve recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, going from a six figure salary to zilch with the stroke of a pen, and from the primary bread winner to a collector (if you can even get it) of unemployment.  In Florida, by the way, that is $275.00/week.

When you have fewer years in front of you than behind you, when you’ve collected as many bruises on our collective butts as we have, and your approaching golden years have turned to lead, you get hit with a harder dose of reality than you’ve ever been hit with before.  When your spouse has to bear the entire burden, when you begin to dip into your savings and prepare for the possibility of cashing out your IRAs, 401Ks, 403Bs or whatever nest egg you’ve managed to build up, you’re in total survival mode. You stop spending money except for necessities and all your plans go out the window. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to you, because you followed all of the rules and paid your dues.

You send out resume after resume, only to find out how much the world has changed.  Everything is online. Application after application is filled out and disappears into the ether. No longer do you talk to a person. Everything is detached, and if you do get an interview, chances are you'll get an email saying: We’re sorry, but we’re pursuing other candidates whose experience fits our needs better. But thanks for your interest in our company.  In English that means: we’ve got younger applicants and we can pay a lot less than we have to pay you. When people started to become human resources, everything became depersonalized.  When Bob Dylan wrote "The Times They Are Changin'," they did; but not for the better.  You consider taking jobs for a lot less money just so you can work again, just so you have your self-respect.  You start to second-guess everything and your confidence is at an all-time low.

Then something happens. You get news that someone you know, someone just like you, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Then this bump in the road becomes just that, a bump. Sure you have the aches and pains that come from getting older. You’ve had this blow to your self confidence and self respect but you’re going to live to fight another day, and that’s what you do. You spit in their eye and say, I’m still here, and you send out more resumes.

Elderly Healthcare News

According to Jennifer Smith's article in The Wall Street Journal on October 3, 2014, lawyers have discovered a get-rich scheme as America ages:  suing for-profit nursing home chains.

As defined in the appendix of my book, ELDERLY PARENTS WITH ALL THEIR MARBLES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE KIDS, skilled nursing facilities (nursing homes) may be for-profit or non-profit and are licensed by each state. Professional nurses, social workers, psychologists, physical and occupational therapists, doctors, and clergy are on staff.

Attorneys are now filing neglect and abuse cases which allege, typically, that "patients were harmed not just by neglect or medical errors but because the corporate owners skimped on patient care to boost profits" in large chains of for-profit nursing homes.

Operators of the facilities are already grappling with falling reimbursement rates from the government.  The increase in litigation is prompting some chains to abandon certain states where there are limited or nonexistent curbs on non-economic damages.  Lawsuits that elsewhere might be settled for $50,000 can generate much larger settlements or verdicts.

Large for-profit facilities are more likely to be cited for severe health deficiencies, despite beefing up staff and making other improvements, according to data from Centers for Medicare and Medicare Services.

The lawyers take the cases on a contingency basis, paying upfront costs in exchange for a cut - up to 45% - of any settlement or award, plus expenses.

"If you have a good case," attorney Brian Reddick said, "jurors are very sympathetic."

The October 3, 2014, Wall Street Journal also reported that Medicare will cut payments to 2610 hospitals across the country, because too many patients were readmitted within thirty days, according to an analysis by Kaiser Health News.

The hospitals selected will see Medicare reimbursements reduced from .01% to 3% for every beneficiary they treat from October 1, '14, to September 30, '15.

The penalties will save Medicare an estimated $428 million, a spokesman for Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services said.

The Obama Administration has emphasized reducing readmission to hospitals to reduce Medicare spending and spur hospitals to pay more attention to patients who are being discharged "quicker and sicker."

Squeaky-Clean in Morocco

My friend, Pat, followed her tour guide to the waiting bus.  There were four men and seven women who had signed up for the hammam experience in Tangier, after two days in the desert.  One of the men was Pat's husband.

The hammam is a bathhouse. Since the Moroccans visit the hammam just once a week, there were probably more foul-smelling visitors than the Western travelers.

They drove to the Ouifak Hammam, where two gorgeous ladies, Yatto (age 30) and Etoh (age 26), greeted the seven women.  The men in the group expressed their disappointment that they had been greeted by a Moroccan male.

The seven women followed Yatto and Etoh into a changing room, where a large number of women stood in nothing but their panties.  Young daughters stood next to their mothers in the same state of un-dress. Their djellabas and hijabs (robes and headscarves) hung from pegs.

Any female who's tried on clothing in a communal dressing room can picture the scene - perky boobs still pointing at the ceiling that hadn't nursed, saggy boobs in a race to reach the navel, minuscule boobs that raised the question, "Male or female?"

Like the others, Pat and her fellow travelers stripped to their panties.  Etoh led them through two rooms of white marble to a wall, where she instructed them to sit on a colorful tile floor covered with hot water.

 Istanbul hammam

She put a blob of dark olive oil soap in each visitor's palm and asked them to lather themselves, except for their faces.

SURPRISE!  As in the ice bucket challenge, Pat felt the shock of a bucket of water flung at her.  The only difference was there were no ice cubes.

Pat was first in the lineup.  She heard Etoh say something and point at her. Etoh wanted her to lie on the hot, wet tiles on her back.  Immediately, Pat felt a loofah mit scratching her arm.  It seemed like steel wool rubbing her skin off. When that arm was complete, the attendant scrubbed Pat's other arm and then her legs, ending with the stomach and chest. The attendant turned her over like a flopping fish, and the torture began on her back and legs.

"Back to the wall, please," she heard and obeyed, waiting till everyone had had a turn with the loofah.

SURPRISE AGAIN!  More buckets of hot water flung at her to wash the dead skin and soap down the drain.

"Please stand up," Etoh said.  She led the seven Westerners in a column to a cooler room, where they sat against another wall to.....SING.  The only English song Etoh knew was "Cum - bye - ah, my Lord," so that's what they sang.  Seven naked ladies sitting against a wall singing "Cum - bye - ah."

One by one Etoh brought Pat and her now-best-buddies forward for the olive oil rub. Up one side and down the other again, but this time Pat's beet-red skin stayed in place.

Shampoos followed.  On the wet tile floor, her back to the attendant, Pat aimed her nose to the ceiling and felt water splashing on her head, as if a neophyte in baptism. The attendant worked olive oil shampoo into the wet strands and combed it through without restraint.  More buckets of hot water!

But wait...Pat's feet were still unclean!  A pumice stone fixed that, removing calluses that had built up hiking in the desert, as well as some live skin.

Ninety minutes later Pat and her best-best-friends emerged looking radiant.  She didn't tell me how much the hammam had cost, but she said her husband looked like a new man, so it was probably worth it.