Adapted from something that came across the internet. Don't know the author...
Dear Family,
I know some of you probably think I left this earth, because
you haven’t heard from me in a while. Maybe if you’d picked up the phone, you’d
have discovered I’m still around.
Thanksgiving is important to me. If being in my Last Will
and Testament is important to you, you’ll probably want to be here to
celebrate that I’m still above ground.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:30. Not 3:00. The only thing
reheating in the oven after we sit down will be the pies.
Last year, Marshall
heard from his neighbor that frying a turkey in one of those contraptions made
the best turkey anyone ever tasted. He almost burned the deck off my house. This
year, the only peanut oil used in the meal will be the secret scoop of peanut
butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving
with a new wife we haven’t met who has to run to the bathroom to put on her
makeup before she’s even introduced. Honest to God, I thought you’d learned
after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another
divorce.
There will be paper plates and red Solo cups this year. They
might be bad for the environment, but most of your kids have never eaten off
good china, except at my house, and things always get broken.
The television stays off during the meal. I don’t care whose
alma mater is playing in a bowl game!
There will be no soda cans for the kids. We will use 2-liter
bottles because your children open a third can before finishing the first two.
Parents, fill your children’s cups when they are empty. The cups will have
names on them so there’s no excuse for anyone drinking from someone else’s cup.
Cloe, last year I looked the other way when your marshmallow
fluff salad showed up. This year, if that salad comes in the front door it will
go out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve
never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than
you. Buy something from the bakery.
Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your house. At mine, they can
eat whatever they like as long as they clean their plates.
I cook with bacon and bacon grease. Your being a vegan
doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without
eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why
you like it. As far as being healthy – I’ve lived longer than all of you and I
have bacon every mornin’!
Green salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space on your
plate.
Cell phones must be left in the car. No-one’s going to try
to reach you from work because no-one will be at work. The important people in
your life won’t be trying to reach you, either. They’ll be sitting right next
to you.
Being a parent means you’ve got to pay attention to your
kids! I won’t hide my stuff because toddlers are coming over. Mary, teach
Gregory not to touch anything that isn’t his.
Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat
that’s lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your
way of letting me know that I’ve lived too many lives. Will your cat be naming
you in its will?
Words mean things. Consider the consequences of your words
before you speak. I don’t want any yelling at the table or grudge matches after
the holiday.
If I tell you I really don’t need anything, it means you
really don’t need to bring anything. If you are bringing something,
please listen when I tell you the quantity. Really, this doesn’t have to be
difficult.
Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an off/on switch. That was true when I grew up and it’s why my
generation had so many geniuses.
Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees a gift at Christmas.
Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
Discussion of election results anywhere in the U.S. or
anything that has to do with politics is forbidden.
In memory of your grandfather, the back fridge will be
filled with beer. You’re welcome to indulge, but one from each family will be
responsible for driving without drinking.
And that’s about it for ground-rules. Don’t forget what
you’re thankful for – I’ll be askin’!
I hope everyone has a great turkey day.
Love, Grandma
